The Adventures of Elevator Lance: The Christmas Special
by KiethBlackLion
Summary: Rated M for vulgar curse words and some disturbing imagery (no sex). Lance is back (unwillingly) and he is on Earth for the holidays. Lance and the rest of the team experience Christmas shopping, carol singing, and the traditional reading of "Twas the night before Christmas" and they share all of this with their good friends from Planet Doom.
1. Elevator Lance Christmas Part 1

**Disclaimer**:_I do not own any of the characters , settings, etc involving Voltron: Defender of the Universe. These stories are for entertainment purposes only and are to be viewed as parodies. _

**Author's Notes: **_As I was going through some of my older stand alone, short story spoofs, I found four Christmas related skits that I had posted on the Voltron forums years ago. When I was writing the fourth season of Elevator Lance my wife had suggested that a Christmas story be implemented into but I wasn't able to make that work at the time. So when I found these four Christmas skits I decided to write a special Christmas related episode of Elevator Lance. I polished the skits up, built a story around them and I am now presenting the results to you for your enjoyment. Read, enjoy and have a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanza, Happy Holidays, or whatever you celebrate through your respective religion._

It was December twentieth and the Voltron Force was at the Galaxy Garrison headquarters on Earth. They had arrived late in the day on the nineteenth and had wasted little time getting to their quarters and getting to bed. On this particular morning the sun was shining brightly, bringing the temperature to a brisk thirty degrees Fahrenheit.

The Earth's climate had never been the same since World War III. As a result of the war and the resulting devastation, massive climate shifts took place and now areas around the globe experience weather they never did in the past. In particular, a white Christmas is no longer a rare occurrence at Galaxy Garrison HQ.

Lance stood out on the balcony of his room on the thirtieth floor looking out at the sun rising out of the East. He was dressed in his usual attire, except his leather jacket had been replaced with a much more appropriate, cold weather coat. He sipped his coffee, enjoying the early morning peacefulness, the hues of red and orange blanketed the world around him.

"What the hell am I doing here?" Lance asked out loud. "I thought this series was over."

"It is," spoke a voice from just inside Lance's room.

Lance turned to see KiethBlackLion walk out onto the balcony with a coffee cup in hand.

"Then why am I here? If the series is over, I should be back at home on Arus enjoying some time off. Not freezing my ass off on Earth. And where did you come from?"

"I came from the private lounge that all of your rooms are connected to. Nice place, by the way. Lots of space and very luxurious," KBL said.

"I'm glad you approve. Now tell me why I am here," Lance demanded.

"I said the series is over," KBL explained. "But you're still under contract to do work for me."

"Don't play games with me, KBL. Get to the point," Lance told him.

"It's simple. The contract states that season four was the official finale to the series. However, the contract does not state that you won't do specials." KiethBlackLion smiled. "This is a Christmas special, after all."

"Why you sonofabitch," Lance said flatly.

KiethBlackLion pulled out a roll of paper out from his back pocket and handed it to Lance.

"What's this?" Lance asked.

"Your script," KBL told him. "You better memorize it." KiethBlackLion took another sip of his coffee then went back inside.

Lance unrolled the script and looked at it. "Well, shit."

**The Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Voltron Force's Christmas Vacation: Part 1**

Starring: 

_Lance McCain_

_Keith Kogane_

_Hunk Garret_

_Pidge Stoker_

_Sven Holgersson_

_Princess Allura_

_Coran_

_Nanny_

_King Zarkon_

_Witch Haggar_

_Prince Lotor_

_Queen Merla_

_Commander Yurak_

_Commander Cossack_

With special guest appearances by:

_Space Marshal Graham_

_The Space Mice_

_Santa Claus and his reindeer_

_And KiethBlackLion_

As Lance approached the elevator he saw that the rest of his teammates were already gathered, waiting on the elevator to arrive.

"Morning Lance," Keith greeted him.

"Happy Holidays," said Sven.

It had been months since the team had seen Sven. After he and Romelle got married, Sven took a new job on Earth as the official representative of Planet Pollux. Romelle was planning on joining him sometime early in the upcoming year, once she finished helping Bandor prepare to take over Pollux's throne.

"How are you, Sven?" Lance asked.

"I can't complain," Sven responded. "It is good to be home on a more permanent basis now."

"I'm sure it is," Lance remarked.

The hallway filled with the usual chatter of five close friends. The elevator finally arrived and everyone piled in. Christmas music was playing over the loud speakers.

"GG really goes all out for Christmas," Pidge said as he pointed out the various decorations strung throughout the elevator.

"I'm surprised the maintenance office hasn't yelled at someone for plugging Christmas lights into the elevator's power lines illegally," Hunk stated.

The ride down to the fifth floor was relatively smooth. Everyone exited once the doors opened and then headed into the main conference room of Galaxy Garrison.

There were five gasps of surprise as the team entered the conference room and saw King Zarkon, Prince Lotor, and Commanders Yurak and Cossack sitting with Space Marshal Graham.

"Space Marshal, what are these four doing here?" Keith asked.

"Relax, Keith," Graham said raising a hand. "They are not here to cause any trouble."

"Well, not any more, anyways," commented Cossack.

"Will someone explain to me what's going on here?" asked Lance.

King Zarkon was the first to speak up. "We are here because of Haggar and Merla."

"When Merla saw the news report of the Voltron Force returning to Earth for Christmas, they 'suggested' that we come here to take Voltron and Galaxy Garrison in one strike," Lotor explained.

"But it was all a ruse," Yurak said. "Turns out they just wanted us to bring them to Earth."

"What for?" asked Hunk.

"For all the great Christmas shopping sales," Zarkon answered.

"Do you seriously expect us to believe that story?" asked Keith.

"Why not?" asked Lotor.

"Because it's stupid," Lance said. "and it's extremely cliché."

"I can't argue that statement," Zarkon said. "However, it was the only way to explain our presence here and to drive the plot of this crazy story."

"I know what you mean. I am expecting the Griswalds to show up any minute now," Pidge stated.

"Hey Sven, what are you doing over by the window?" asked Keith.

"I was just checking out the view," he answered.

"Quite impressive, isn't it?" asked Graham.

"It is in deed. I can see all the traffic moving along the highway from here," Sven told him.

On the highway outside of Galaxy Garrison a green and tan 'family roadster' was driving in circles around the clover leaf in front of the building. The vehicle and its neurotic driver were unable to get out of the 'on ramp – off ramp' lanes.

"Look kids, there's Galaxy Garrison and Parliament," the driver kept repeating.

Back in the conference room, the Voltron Force had settled down into chairs around the big table.

For several long moments there was nothing but awkward silence. Unable to stand it any longer, King Zarkon was the first to speak up. "Is this the first Christmas back on Earth since joining up as the Voltron Force?"

"Do you honestly expect that you can just start up a conversation and that we will just go along with it and ignore everything that you've done to the galaxy?" Lance asked.

"Look, knowing Haggar and Merla, we are going to be here a long time, probably until after Christmas. I know we're enemies, but just until we leave can we try to be friends?" Lotor asked.

The Voltron Force was hesitant to respond.

"Christmas is a time for peace and forgiveness," Graham said. "I think it would be appropriate to show kindness and good faith towards Zarkon and our guests. Otherwise, this special won't have its clichéd theme."

Reluctantly, the Voltron Force agreed.

Just then the doors of the conference room opened and in walked Princess Allura. "Thanks for waiting for me, guys."

"Sorry Allura, we thought you were already down here," Keith said.

"Hello Allura," Lotor said as he stood up.

"What are they doing…you know what, I don't care. I'm late and I don't have time for this," she said.

"Late for what?" Hunk asked.

"The Christmas sales, I should have been in the stores three hours ago."

"Shopping?" Keith asked. "Where are you going?"

"I'm off to the mall," Allura said.

Keith stood up. "Whoa whoa whoa…You're going to the mall?"

"Yes."

"Now?" asked Lance.

Allura gave Lance a look that read 'well duh'. "Yeah…"

"Are you insane?" asked Pidge.

"What are you talking about?" asked Allura.

"Allura, it's the Christmas season. It's suicide for a newbie to go shopping this time of the year," Hunk told her.

"Newbie?" asked Allura. "I am no 'newbie' when it comes to shopping. No one can out shop me." Allura placed her hands on her hips. "Besides, you guys are exaggerating. I'll be fine."

"Don't go Allura, trust us," Lance said.

"I'll see you guys later." With those parting words, Allura left the conference room.

"She has no idea what she is getting into," Pidge commented.

Keith sat back down shaking his head.

"Maybe she will run into Merla and Haggar," Cossack commented.

Everyone just stared at him like he was an idiot.

It was twelve hours later and the pilots of the Voltron Force were relaxing in their private lounge on the thirtieth floor. Coran, Nanny, Sven, and the space mice were also enjoying the luxury of Galaxy Garrison's hospitality.

Everyone's attention turned to the door as Allura came into the room. Her hair was in shambles, and strands stuck out in all directions. Her pink jumpsuit was torn in so many places that it looked like it went through a cheese grater. One of her heels was broken and the strap on her purse had snapped in two. Her face was extremely dirty and her eyes were bloodshot. Several Christmas themed bags hung from each arm.

"My dear Princess," yelled Nanny just before she ran over the younger woman.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Hunk and Lance.

"What happened?" Keith and Pidge asked in unison.

Allura limped into the room and dropped her shopping bags. "For starters, I sat in traffic for three hours before I finally made it to the mall. I circled the parking lot 5 times before finding a parking space. Just as I was about to pull in, some lady with 9 kids in a mini-van came speeding in from the other direction and pulled into my spot. I moved down to the end of the row and found a parking spot about a mile from the door. I was half-way to the building when it started to rain. So, I had to run the rest of the way across the parking lot."

"Ouch," Lance said.

"Oh, it gets better," Allura said. She limped over to a chair and sat down. "The whole time I was in the mall I had people cutting in front of me, shoving me; one fat lady actually knocked me down into a rack. It took twenty minutes to untangle me from the pile of clothes. Then I got locked in a changing room." She reached up and pulled a piece of gum from her mangled hair. "I had some kid give me this as a Christmas present."

Pidge sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" He walked over to Allura and smelled her. The look of disgust on his face was almost comical. "Damn! What did you do, take a bath in a dumpster?"

Allura reached up and pushed Pidge away. "No, I was bombarded by these crazy women in white coats and rubber gloves claiming that they sold perfume. I think they were selling toxic waste."

"So what else happened to you today?" asked Lance as he stifled a laugh.

Allura paused for a moment as she recalled the rest of her day. "Oh yeah…I had to stand in line at one of the food court stands for an hour before I got up to the counter. They got my order wrong…twice. And THEN I was heading towards the gift card shop when I heard an announcement over the P.A. system that the shoe store was having a sale. There was a rumble and as I looked back, there was a herd of women heading right towards me. I screamed and took off running but I wasn't fast enough. I tripped and all these women just ran me over. I limped the two hours it took to get back to the car and I headed back here. After three more hours of sitting in traffic, all thanks to a 7 car pile up, I finally made it home."

Keith placed a hand on Allura's shoulder. "I'm sorry that you had a difficult time shopping." As he patted her shoulder, he felt something sticky on his skin and pulled away. He casually wiped the mysterious substance onto the arm of a chair.

"All I can say is that you guys better enjoy your damn presents." Allura stood and tried to make herself more presentable. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nice long bubble bath and then…I'm going to dive into a tub of Double-Fudge Chocolate Chip ice cream."

Allura walked across the room and entered the door leading to her room. Everyone just stared at each other.

"We tried to warn her," Lance said.

"But she wouldn't listen," Keith said.

Meanwhile, in the lounge that Zarkon and his people were assigned, Haggar and Merla entered looking much the same way as Allura did.

"What happened to you two?" asked Cossack.

Without saying a word, Haggar zapped Cossack with lightning spell, causing him to fly across the room.

"We'll be in our rooms," Merla said as she and Haggar limped across the room to their respective quarters.


	2. Elevator Lance Christmas Part 2

**The Adventures of Elevator Lance:**

**Voltron Force's Christmas Vacation: Part 2**

It was a few days later, Christmas Eve to be exact. There was two feet of snow all around Galaxy Garrison and it was still falling. The Voltron Force, in addition to Zarkon and his crew were gathered in the Voltron Force's private lounge. The Galaxy Garrison Christmas Party had taken place two nights before and so now, for the first time in history, the people from Planet Arus and those from Planet Doom were sitting together and celebrating Christmas.

Everyone was laughing, telling stories, and having a good time. For this one brief moment, there was no war, there was no conquest of the universe, there were no good guys and bad guys. There was peace and there was friendship.

"So what do we do now," asked Cossack.

"How about we read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'," suggested Pidge.

"We have one more carol to sing," said Hunk.

"We do?" asked Keith.

"Yep, it says so right here in the script. We are supposed to sing the Twelve Voltron Days of Christmas," Hunk stated.

"This must be KiethBlackLion's doing,' Lance muttered to himself.

"Well, if it's in the script, we have to do it. Who wants to go first?" asked Keith.

"I will," said Yurak.

Yurak: _On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve Doom fighters_

Coran: _On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven space explorers_

Zarkon: _On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten robeasts_

Allura: _On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine protective nannies_

Merla: _On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight evil princes_

Lotor: _On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven sexy princesses_

Pidge: _On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six space mice_

Hunk: _On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me five robot lions._

Sven: _On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four flight suits_

Haggar: _On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me three magic spells_

Keith: _On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me two blazing swords_

Lance: _On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a Voltron in a pear tree_

"Ok, now that's over, can we please read Twas the Night Before Christmas?" asked Pidge.

"Sure," said Keith. "Coran, would you do the honors?"

"Sure," Coran said as he put down his fourth glass of eggnog.

Pidge started to hand Coran a copy of the book but stopped when Coran held up his hand. "I don't need that Pidge; I have my own version of the story to tell.

"O….k" was all Pidge could say as he put away the book.

Everyone gathered around Coran as he began to tell the story.

_Twas the night before Christmas, on planet Arus _

_The mice had just pooped in Lance's boots; and were wiping their asses _

_Allura's stockings were hung at the head of Pidge's bed, _

_So the sick little bastard could smell them; as he dreamt _

_The Voltron Force were nestled all snug in their quarters, _

_While Nanny danced for me; and I fed her dollars _

_With her in a g-string, and me only wearing a cap _

_I tried to keep the noise down, as she gyrated upon my lap, _

_When all of a sudden the alarms made a clatter _

_I threw her to the floor, to see what was the matter. _

_The view screen came alive, in a flicker of light _

_I had to squint my eyes because it was so bright _

_I heard Nanny bitch about the floor being dirty _

_I said "shut the hell up" and "get dressed in a hurry" _

_On the view screen something weird did appear, _

_It was a sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, _

_The driver seemed strange, a bit old and fat _

_And the reindeer looked tired, probably from hauling his ass _

_Tired and strained, they pulled him near _

_They weren't gonna make it, was my biggest fear _

_"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!" _

"_On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!"_

_The little reindeer did their best to move _

_And I watched in horror as they crashed onto the roof _

_In the excitement of the moment, we forgot to get dressed _

_And Nanny and I, up the stairs we raced _

_Onto the roof in a flash we flew _

_And we saw the wrecked sleigh, and the exhausted reindeer too _

_And in a rustle of twisted metal, the fat man appeared _

_With blood and bugs mixed in his beard _

_He looked at us and we looked at him _

"_Holy shit!" were the words that came from him _

"_Please put some clothes on" he said, "you're burning my eyes" _

_Before we could react we heard the Voltron Force emerge from behind _

"_Coran! Nanny" I heard Allura say _

_I thought, "this is turning out to be a very bad day" _

"_Avert your eyes," Nanny said "please don't look" _

_And I saw Hunk run to the roof's edge, and over it he puked. _

"_Coran, I never knew, that you were such a playa" _

"_Don't be fooled Pidge," Lance said "He takes Viagra" _

_We were all caught up in our own affairs _

_That we forgot about the fat man and his bag of wares _

_He did his best to revive his crew _

_But then I got an idea on what we could do _

_I summoned for the mice and their stupid little machine _

_Though they came quickly, they cringed at the scene _

_With Nanny and I naked, and the reindeer half dead _

_All they wanted to do, was head back to their bed _

_I spoke to them in whisper, asking for this favor _

_They scampered off, but quickly returned with tasers _

_Shocking the shit out of the half dead flyers _

_The reindeer rose, though still tired; _

_The fat man sprang to his sleigh and the mice boarded too _

_To keep the reindeer awake, the mice knew what to do _

_The sleigh flew off and the Voltron Force went back to bed _

_Unable to get mine and Nanny's naked bodies out of their heads _

_Nanny said to me when everyone was out of sight, _

"_Merry Christmas Coran, You're gonna have a very good night."_

Everyone just looked at Coran, who fell asleep seconds after finishing the story.

"Anyone else traumatized by that," asked Lance.

Every member of the Voltron Force raised their hand.

"I have one," Zarkon said.

"You do?" asked Pidge. "Let's hear it."

Zarkon cleared his throat as everyone turned their attention onto him.

_Twas the night before Christmas, on Planet Doom_

The night air was filled with dread and gloom;

The slaves were hanging by the chimney with rope,

As all the doom soldiers did crack and dope;

The robeasts were nestled all snug in their pens,

While visions of crushed robot lions danced in their heads;

And I on my throne and Haggar with her cat,

Had just started discussing, our next plan of attack

When in front of the castle there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.

'Under attack' was my first thought,

Whoever it was, the farm they just bought.

Squinting my eyes, I strained to see

But on my foot, I felt Coba pee

Before I could kick him, in front of my eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a slow old driver, so dead and wrinkly,

I wondered, "who the hell could this be?".

Slower than dirt his curses they came,

I didn't care who he was, for now he would be slain

"Now, you soldiers! Fire at him now!

Shoot that fat man, knock his sleigh down!

As the sky filled up with a laser light show,

The little reindeer didn't know what to do

So up to the castle-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of shit, and the creepy old guy too.

And then, the reports came, from the troops on the roof

The scratching and clawing of each little hoof.

As I drew out a blaster, and shouted orders,

The fat man appeared through my chamber doors

His clothes were all torn, I thought this was a dream,

Until he pulled out a gun and fired at me;

I dodged the bullet and fired back,

But the fat man was quick and he was gone, just like that.

I chased him up the stairs, firing as I went

He stopped once to fire back, then away he went

His fat ass filled up the halls,

But to come and attack me, this guy had balls

The beard on his chin was as white as the snow;

Last time I saw a beard like that that, was on one of Lotor's hos

He had a chubby face and a huge round belly,

He hadn't showered in a while, man was he smelly.

For a fat guy, he was pretty fast

There was no way his heart was gonna last;

We made it to the roof, and the wind picked up

He saw his reindeer were dead, and he yelled out "FUCK!"

"Why did you kill them?" He screamed and cried

"You came here to kill me you sonofabitch, that's why!"

Flicking me off and cussing me out,

He shot at me again, then took off in leaps and bounds,

Faster and faster, his fat little legs pumped,

Over the roof's edge, the idiot suddenly jumped.

But I heard him exclaim, as he fell out of sight,

"MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU EVIL DOOMITE." 

The room was silent for a few moments before Lotor spoke up. "Well father, I have to admit that was very good"

"Thank you, Lotor. That means a lot to me," Zarkon said.

"Um yeah, that was great." Lance glanced at his watch. "It's getting late, I'm gonna head to bed."

"Yeah, me too," said Hunk.

It was agreed by all that the party was over and one by one everyone left the lounge to go to their rooms. The only person who didn't get up was Coran. He was still asleep in the chair, but Nanny had covered him up with a blanket.

Being the last person out of the room, Lance turned off the lights, except for the Christmas lights, and headed into his room. In the darkened room, the lights on the Christmas tree blinked on and off all night. On the wall, outlined in multicolored lights, was a hand crafted wooden sign. On the sign were wood letters that spelled out:

**Merry Christmas**


End file.
